By Mark Burnash, Satirist
Prepare for the most amazing, most revolution breakthrough in the body transformation technology!
Are you tired of doing activities you enjoy to improve your fitness? Are you sick of paying reasonable monthly fees for memberships to fitness facilities that are close to home? Are you finished with this silly flash-in-the pan fad called going outside?
Well look no further! Now in the comfort of your own basement, you can achieve that airbrushed Insta-chat model look you’ve dreamed of in as little as FIVE MINUTES A DAY with the FIT THING 3K!
That’s FIVE MINUTES A DAY with the FIT THING 3K! (See, it rhymes. That’s how you know it’s legit.)
This one-size-fits-all marvelous, magical miracle machine unlocks your body’s hidden potential for unlimited awesomeness!
No longer will you need to listen to so-called “fitness professionals” spout such nonsense like “The Principle of Individual Differences” or “Progressive Overload.”
Pshaw! The Fit Thing 3K works for all ages, men and women, short or tall, producing amazing results in just (say it with me folks) FIVE MINUTES A DAY!
What’s the biggest reason people don’t work out these days?? Why the “work” part of course!
Well, our team of elite exercisologists here at Exploitodyne Laboratories have spent years studying the mysterious, ancient art of passive fitness machinery to bring you the greatest amalgamation of legendary effortless equipment in the history of history!
No longer will you need to worry about engaging in such dreadfully strenuous activities as: walking, running, hiking, yoga, swimming, basketball, soccer, volleyball, tennis, weight lifting, rock climbing, dancing, biking, baseball, softball, hockey, skiing, gymnastics, lacrosse, boxing, MMA, kayaking, double dutch, hopscotch, badminton, golf or curling!
And that’s because the FT 3k has been seamlessly engineered to incorporate:
- Three 1950s-era vibrating belts for the neck, torso and thighs
- Two perfectly calibrated oscillating dumbbells fastened to adjustable arms
- Our custom designed vibration platform attached to an industrial grade paint shaker
- 64 TEMS electric stimulation pads powered by three 9V batteries No work required whatsoever! Simply strap yourself in, press the “Fitnessize!” button and off you go!
Not only is using the FT3K the pinnacle of ease and efficacy, some have even called the experience spiritual. In no time at all, you’ll have transmogrified your chakras and raised your empathic morphogenetic frequencies to a higher plane on consciousness!
But don’t take our word for it. “I used to weigh 315 pounds and suffered from low energy levels, but after using the FT3K for a few weeks, now I’m an Olympic triathlete!” said Jim-Bob McSweeny, potato chip tester.
“People used to ignore my selfies on SnapFace, but now I get thousands of ompliments and random creepy messages from complete strangers everyday. Thanks, FT3K!” said Karen Hollingsworth-Beckelhymer, future manager requester.
“I lost both my legs in a tragic ping pong accident, but thanks to the FT3K, my limbs have fully regenerated!” said Rory Ebensteiner, professional sleeper.
“I don’t have much time… Look.. I’m a real fitness trainer. Don’t listen! It’s a trap! Run while you still- -ahhh! grrrphhrph…”
*Please stand by. We are experiencing technical difficulties* “Is the camera rolling? Oh!…as a famous qualified professional worky outy type person, I say the FT3K is A-Ok!…. Was that alrigh–” And we’re back! So you see, 100 percent satisfaction guaranteed!
Now you may be wondering “What’s the catch? Is there some ridiculous diet I’m going to have to go on?”
Not at all!
No longer will you have to listen to so called “nutritionists” who harp and yammer about things like “moderate calorie restriction” and “avoiding processed foods.” And sure, you COULD follow such proven and universally acclaimed diets as the Mediterranean or DASH diets, but why bother!
With the FT3K, there’s absolutely zero self-control or lifestyle adjustments required! Trust us! Why would we lie?? So, how much would you expect to pay for this indispensable thaumaturgical marvel? $50,000?? $25,000?? Not at all!
Order NOW and this Eighth Wonder of the World can be YOURS for only 99 easy payments of $99.99 (Does not include taxes, shipping, handling and processing.
Much assembly required. No refunds. All sales are final. Results won’t vary because there won’t be any. Side effects may include: vertigo, nausea, insomnia, muscle spasms, broken vertebrae, stroke, heart attack and never-ending existential terror)!
So what are you waiting for?? Call NOW at 1-555-FIT-THING. That’s 1-555-FIT-THING and begin your journey to a NEW YOU with The Fit-Thing 3000!
About The Author
Mark Burnash is a former ISSA CFT. He also enjoys using unspecified acronyms and writing short bios.