THE MOST BIGGEREST LOSER!!!

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By Satirist Mark Burnash

After a four-year hiatus, the popular reality show The Biggest Loser has risen from the grave for it’s 18th season and it’s deeply pernicious premise is still as reprehensible as ever. The very concept of the show is an affront to any semblance of what a healthy diet and exercise program should entail, regardless of any saccharine language they may be using now to appease their detractors.

The absurdity that follows is a satirical screenplay written by someone who loathes the show with the fury of a thousand suns.

We hope you find some of this silliness entertaining, but its intention is as a scathing indictment.

Thank you, and enjoy.

 

STADIUM FILLED WITH CHEERING FANS ( DAY)

Overhead camera pans across audience, zooming in on two hosts, HOST 1 and HOST 2, standing onstage with microphones.

HOST 1

(excitedly)

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first ever season of THE MOST BIGGEREST LOSER! Join us as we subject 12 contestants to dangerous physical and psychological trauma over the next six months! The winner will take home 250 BAZILLION DOLLARS while the rest will be unceremoniously booted from the show and summarily forgotten!”

The crowd cheers wildly.

HOST 2

(equally excited)

“That’s right, HOST 1, we have selected 12 people who have spent their whole lives living sedentary lifestyles and eating unhealthy, and we’re going to treat them like they’re professional athletes and put them on starvation diets!”

The crowd cheers wildly.

HOST 1

“Now I know what you’re thinking: ‘Won’t this likely cause irreversible damage to their joints and endocrine system?’ Why yes it will, but at least it will be ENTERTAINING!”

The crowd cheers wildly.

HOST 2

“And now it’s time to meet the larger than life personal trainers who will be fat-shaming and screaming at the contestants every day. First everybody give a warm welcome to NATASHA “THE IRON LADY” CHERNYSHEVSKY! She’s a former Spetsnaz officer and renowned Gulag restoration enthusiast!”

The crowd cheers wildly as NATASHA CHERNYSHEVSKY enters stage left on a chariot being pulled by two grizzly bears.

CUT TO INTERIOR INTERVIEW ROOM

NATASHA CHERNYSHEVSKY

“Greetingz Komrades! I vill teach zeez veaklings how to make friendz vit pain. By tyme I finish, ze invite pain to Sunday bbq!”

CUT TO EXTERIOR STADIUM FILLED WITH CHEERING FANS (NIGHT)

HOST 1

“And our second trainer, hailing from Everytown, USA, was the star quarterback for not one, but TWO high school football teams simultaneously! He’s been featured on the cover of Butt-Chin Quarterly and regularly writes for Platitudes Digest. Meet Biff McJohnsonSmith!”

A man jumps from a plane flying overhead and skydives straight toward the stage, deploying a golden parachute at the last second. When he lands, a fusillade of fireworks erupts and rock music starts playing.

CUT TO INTERIOR STUDIO ROOM

BIFF MCJOHNSONSMITH

(Intensely)

“It’s all about taking it to the extreme! Fixing you begins with you making a difference, but with me there to inspire with inspiration, we can transmute the mundane with hustle! No gain, no pain! Blood, sweat, and fears! Just do that!”

CUT TO EXTERIOR STADIUM FILLED WITH CHEERING FANS (NIGHT)

HOST 2

“Now that we’ve met our trainers, it’s time to meet the contestants!”

Contestants 1-12 walk onto the stage, waving and smiling, and are then immediately ushered off to their confusion.

HOST 1

“And that’s enough of them! We’ll be seeing them plenty as they struggle with unsustainable, unrealistic exercise schedules and suffer through the humiliation of being constantly presented with superabundant mountains of high glycemic carbohydrates to test their temperance!”

HOST 2

“And now for what you’ve all been waiting for, it’s time to get the show started! For our first challenge, we’ll be heading to the bayous of Louisiana!”

CUT TO EXTERIOR BAYOU IN LOUISIANA (SUMMER – DAY)

The contestants are already sweating profusely in the hot humid climate as they swat at horseflies the size of small birds.

NATASHA CHERNYSHEVSKY

(cooly)

“Nyow for ze first challenge. We do compyetitve vun hundred meyter dash.”

HOST 1 (VOICE OVER)

“A competitive hundred meter dash! One of the most high intensity activities in existence for their very first event! Perfect! What could go wrong?? There’s no way someone might blow out a hamstring or tear an ACL!”

BIFF MCJOHNSONSMITH

“You got this! Go for it! Max effort! Yeah! There are two kinds of people in the world. Which kind are you? HUH?? OH YEAH. THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT!!”

NATASHA CHERNYSHEVSKY

“Uv course, just sprint alone iz no good. No fear. Next we strap raw whole chickens to your backs.”

Raw whole chickens are strapped to the contestants’ backs.

NATASHA CHERNYSHEVSKY

“Nyow we bring out starving allygatorz we find here in Louisiana. One for ze each of you. Allygatorz mayk you run very faster.”

Caged alligators are wheeled up behind the contestants as they line up at the starting line.

HOST 1

“And with that it’s time to go to a commercial break where the corporate fitness industry who signs our paychecks can peddle their wares!”

HOST 2

“That’s really what it’s all about folks…those sweet, sweet advertising dollars. But don’t go anywhere, because we’ll be right back here at…”

HOST 1 & 2

(enthusiastically)

“THE MOST BIGGEREST LOSER!!!”

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